Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Just Read Them For The Articles



Some days it's like the universe is bent on teaching you a lesson. Today I learnt a fascinating one.

Bubbles and I were out on our walk, which ended up being a run/walk because we were just feeling that good, when I saw the most puzzling piece of litter on the ground. It was a page from one of THOSE magazines. The sort of magazines that are often at the back of the newsagency where the sleazy men hang out. You know the type - the ones who move off quickly when you go into the wrong aisle looking for your running magazine and pretend that they've been looking at the car magazines all along while surreptitiously trying to sneak a peak down your cleavage.

Anyway, this page had the picture of a girl with the most enormous, naked, unfettered breasts that I've ever seen in my life. Now, I come from a house of big-breasted women. In fact I used to BE a big-breasted woman (hello double D) but breast-feeding and running has streamlined these puppies into a much more manageable size. My youngest sister, when she was pregnant was positively distraught when her E (for enormous) boobs became an F (for f@*#ing enormous). Well the breasts made my sister's look quite pitiful really.

But it wasn't the breasts that puzzled me so much - although I did wonder if they were real and if they were, why hadn't she had a reduction and if they weren't, why had she chosen to be so freakishly large. It was actually the headline that made me wonder. Emblazoned across her breasts were the words - My Breasts Saved My Life.

Those words got my neurons firing for the rest of the walk. How had her breasts saved her life? Had she fallen overboard on the high seas and her breasts had acted as a flotation device? Had they then become beacons to the rescue helicopter?  Had she been forced to jump from the fourth floor of  a building and her breasts had cushioned her fall? Had she been shot at or stabbed by a mugger and the bullet or knife been stopped short by her industrial-sized (and possibly filled with industrial-strength French) silicon implant?

I really wished I'd stopped and tucked it into the dog-poo pouch that's on Bubble's lead so I could have read it quietly in the locked toilet when I got home. (Isn't that where men have found it best to read such literature?) I will never know the answer to the question. BUT I have learned that maybe men DO read THOSE kinds of magazines for the articles.

14 comments:

  1. I always know I can get a good laugh before I head off to bed when I pop over to your blog. You just crack me up! Being a size A or even AA my entire life, I so want to know how those boobs saved that chicks life. You must go back and see if the magazine is still there and find out the details....how will you sleep if not? :)

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  2. LOL!!! I want to know how her boobs saved her life too - I have a large pair myself (not by choice, I really would prefer not to have to wear two sports bras to run) and it might come in handy some day to know...

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  3. You should Google it! Now that would be interesting! Mine are small and I'm so happy. I mean boobs really just get in the way when your running.

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  4. Now that is really funny! I love the beacons for the rescue helicopter idea. E to F... really funny as well.

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  5. I don't think I could have left the question unanswered! So funny.

    In college I did a stint as a hotel maid. We found a magazine in a room that was dedicated to nothing more than huge boobs. I really had no idea some people's were THAT big!

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  6. Man I've missed you.
    Pretty sure had you tucked that article down YOUR shirt--her boobs would save you from anything by osmosis.

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  7. Ha Ha Ha! You may have to go find that article to learn how they saved her although no real reason will be as good as what you came up with.

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  8. At first I was really interested in this post ... then I became reaaaally uncomfortable with all the booby talk, never thought I'd say that ... but since I'm the only guy commenting, my testies and I will now be exiting.










    I love boobs.

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  9. Oops sorry Johann - I totally missed your comment on here. There is no way I'm disrespecting you as a man ... you are more man than most of us!

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  10. I must read those magazines, the articles are very interesting and I MUST know why the boobs saved her life.
    We use to say that those are magazines for the barber shops.

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  11. Maybe one of your readers has read this um, literature, and can fill us all in. Enquiring minds wanna know.

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  12. Too funny. I'll have fun with my family and friends this weekend making up stories as to how her boobies saved her life - it will for sure keep us laughing!

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  13. you have me laughing here Char. I totally would have scooped it up on my way back home. Or hid it in one of my fancy running jackets that have pockets on the inside. Oh wait, it is probably warm there so you weren't wearing a jacket. So funny.

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  14. Haha my boobs got a mention! They certainly gave me attention all those years ago, not so much anymore :-)

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